Things are not going well. Not well at all.
You see, I thought I was doing a good thing by working on shedding a few pounds. Then, I got an email from Melissa. She offered 17 forbidden foods she guaranteed would flatten my belly. Hey, every little bit helps, right? But then I got another one of those emails from Dr. Oz telling me how he could help with diet plans. I'm trying to combine that with Melissa's tummy-flattening foods and Garcinia Cambogia's extract, which is guaranteed to help me lose weight without having to exercise.
Knowing at my age things tend to go awry, and knowing trying some newfangled diets might lead to some other health issues, I figured I better also take advantage of the term life policy that was offered right below the extract email. And just to be safe, I snagged a little cushion with the $10/month $250,000 policy, an offer nestled between the other insurance offer and one for coffee.
Well, being a coffee fan, I could not resist the offer coming in from Natural Green Coffee Bean, especially since it also will help with the weighty issues. "Miracle in a bottle fat burner" it is said to be. So, why not? To top it off, other coffee offers were equally appealing, even if they don't do anything but provide that morning jolt.
SUDDENLY, I FOUND MYSELF aboard a ship that set sail for unknown shores. I knew these things were going to cost me some money, but BestRefinancers came to the rescue, offering "ridiculously low rates" for homeowners. Count me in. And hey, why not get a little help from the one touting the nation's (make that "nations" with no apostrophe) lowest home mortgage rates?
All of this did not serve me well, as I had a false sense of renewal. I'm on track to lose weight and feel my best, I have good insurance, and now, with the refinancing, I have some extra money available to me.
So, when I saw those great deals for flowers and all sorts of other gifts to celebrate Mother's Day, I was in. Wendy would be impressed, I figured.It didn't stop there, however. Unfortunately, I saw several email advertisements touting that super lightweight, highly condensed, flexible lime green hose we've all seen advertised on TV. It's like the hose version of those stupid Chia pets or, for those who remember, the monkey rocks. Just add water and the darn thing expands into a full-fledged 50-foot hose. Drain it and it shrivels up to something that fits in a container smaller than a gallon paint can. (Get the "Seinfeld" episode out of your system now and blurt out "Shrinkage!")
Speaking of TV shows, I then came across an email about a women's health special report on a diet used by Jennifer Aniston, star of the TV hit series "Friends." Wow. Why not get that for Wendy, I thought. Hey, I'm not saying she needs a diet, and I'm not saying she isn't every bit as beautiful as Jennifer Aniston. But we are friends, with benefits.
I'm fairly certain I'm in a bit of financial trouble now. Just saw an email from Westpac Bank. Seems someone might have accessed my Internet banking. Thank goodness they let me know, and I think I can take care of it all by signing into the site where they directed me. I just don't remember having done any banking with Westpac, but then again, I've been kind of busy on the Internet lately.
THE DIET'S NOT GOING SO WELL, EITHER. Maybe it's the mixing of the 17 forbidden foods with all these other programs. Then again, maybe it's the endless stream of e-coupons for ice cream treats.
Naturally, all of this is causing some depression. While I did not find anything specifically for that, the truth is the depression has some side effects that make home life a bit difficult. Fortunately, I kept those other emails that promise to do more for my libido than any of those diet tricks did for my weight. I'm singing "Oh, Canada!" now, thanks to the money I'll save on those pills. Former state Sen. Robert Ford should have checked on those deals.
Oh, no. Oh, wow. Oh my goodness. I just discovered something. All these emails were in my junk folder, not my regular inbox.
So, chances are that email saying Experian shows a credit change is legitimate. Great.
It's either because of all the stuff I've been buying or because my tax records got compromised after all. Either way, I think I'm going to have to try that product from Bosley I saw in another email, 'cause I'm about ready to pull my hair out.
Whiting is executive editor of the Index-Journal. Contact him at 943-2522; email firstname.lastname@example.org ,or follow him on Twitter at IJEDITOR. Views expressed in this column are those of the writer only and do not represent the newspaper's opinion.